Are All My Enemies Narcissists?

It’s tempting to label every hurtful person in our lives a narcissist. When someone deceives, manipulates, or invalidates us, it feels easier to diagnose the problem than to sit in the confusion. But are all difficult people really narcissists?

Let’s unpack that.

What Narcissism Really Means

According to research from the National Institute of Health, roughly 1–6% of the population meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). That’s a small number—meaning most of the painful relationships we experience are not with full-blown narcissists, even if someone’s behavior feels self-centered or cruel.

A true narcissist lacks empathy, not just compassion. They might appear caring—crying at a sad commercial or giving to charity—but they don’t truly feel with another person. They can cognitively understand another’s pain, yet remain emotionally detached. That absence of empathy—not confidence, ego, or vanity—is what defines clinical narcissism.

Narcissism Exists on a Spectrum

Like most personality traits, narcissism occurs along a continuum. Many people display narcissistic traits—a need for attention, defensiveness, or control—without meeting the criteria for NPD.

Clinically, psychologists describe two main types:

• Grandiose narcissism: marked by arrogance, entitlement, and an inflated sense of superiority.

• Vulnerable narcissism: marked by insecurity, hypersensitivity to criticism, and deep fear of rejection.

  
  

Other informal labels—like malignant, communal, somatic, or spiritual narcissism—appear in popular psychology but are not official diagnostic subtypes. They describe styles of narcissistic behavior, not separate categories.

Narcissism vs. Selfishness

A narcissist, especially a grandiose one, is often charming at first. They make you feel seen and valued—until you realize that connection serves a purpose: control. They crave admiration and dominance, sometimes through charisma, sometimes through self-pity or playing the victim.

Not every self-focused or difficult person is narcissistic, though. The difference lies in motivation and empathy: narcissists manipulate to maintain power or soothe fragile self-esteem, whereas an emotionally immature person simply struggles to regulate emotions or perspective-take.

It’s Not Your Job to Diagnose

Here’s a truth I remind my clients often: It’s not your job to diagnose a narcissist. Even for therapists, diagnosing personality disorders requires careful, structured assessment. When someone’s behavior leaves you feeling confused, unsafe, or emotionally drained, the most productive question isn’t “Are they a narcissist?” but rather: “What does my reaction to this person tell me about me?”

That shift—from labeling others to understanding yourself—is where growth begins.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Before deciding that someone is a narcissist, take a breath and ask:

• Am I labeling this person to express my hurt?

• What story am I telling myself that keeps me stuck?

• Am I reacting to their pattern—or my own trigger?

• What can I learn from this experience?

• What feeling am I avoiding by labeling them?

These questions don’t excuse bad behavior, but they help you reclaim your power.

Growth Over Labels

Sometimes the healthiest boundary is distance. But when we label every difficult person a narcissist, we miss the chance to develop discernment, resilience, and empathy for ourselves. True narcissists exist—and they can be deeply harmful. But most people who hurt us are not monsters; they’re humans acting out their own wounds. When we focus less on diagnosing others and more on understanding ourselves, we move from blame to growth—and that’s where real healing begins.

If this topic resonated with you, Listen now to other episodes of Ask Anne Chester Therapy Talks, or schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anne.

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